Somaliland: I’m the President of Lagu-Maqal-Se-laguma-Arag State

Dear gullible Diaspora readers, never have I felt more determined to crave out my own mini-state in Somaliland, and operate it with a remote control from the heart of Canada, than now. And if the so-called Awdal state’s self-proclaimed “president” can do it, so can I. Now, as the new self-elected, self-inaugurated, president of Lagu-Maqal-Se-laguma-Arag state (a hypothetical state in Somaliland), I am uninterested in your applause and standing obviation, as I am after your wallets and purses.
Taking a leaf from the “Awdal state” president’s, Rashid Awnur Hersi, book, using my unfinished basement as an official office, my top priorities remain as unwavering as never before: balancing the budget (repaying my student loan), rebuilding our newly created state (paying off my mortgage) and empowering my people (i.e. spitting out lots of venom towards Somaliland in order to drain your pockets and, eventually, end up singing the infamous song, “Aboow Siilaanyo aabihii umadoow”; a song that if you don’t recite three times a day during Gen. Siad Barre regime, you would be portrayed as the enemy of the nation. Of course, you would substitute Siilaanyo for Siyaad during Gen. Barre’s area).
Additionally, I will take an oath, although its breakable as it becomes necessary, that I will defend the state and its interest, safeguarding it from the enemy—Somaliland—but, ultimately, without a doubt, the real enemy will be none other than myself. I will, also, change my allegiance as many times as there are seasons in a year. I won’t short circuit my success either. Nor will there be a shortage of chauvinistic, gullible (as dumb as a rock) supporters, who will, unconditionally, hail me as their hero.
And above all, it won’t be just your hard-earned money, precious jewelries, or well-deserved old-age, retirement, disability and widow’s pensions that will aid me to accomplish my goal. More important, some of the inept, primitive Somaliland leaders, namely Hirsi Ali Haji Hassan, Presidential Affairs’ Minister, who is convinced that anyone who rebukes Somaliland’s indoctrinated clan dogma (or the sacred Gar-adag charter) poses a credible threat to its independence and therefore should be asphyxiated with an oversized bag full of money will serve as a catalyst for new political developments or more precisely: parachuting myself into the presidential seat in Hargeisa, Somaliland’s capital. (Mr. Hassan remains as a blessing in disguise for Somaliland’s real and perceived enemies; as a true camel herder, he remains as clueless as his days in the grassland of Hawd region. And stay tuned for my upcoming article about Mr. Hassan, entitled: From Camel Herder to Presidential Affairs’ Minister—And Nothing in Between).
Coming back to the drawing board, Joseph Stalin once states, “It’s not the people who vote that count. It’s the people who count the votes.” Well, in Somaliland, it is neither the voters, nor those who count the votes, nor the elected politicians that receive the government’s scant attention; instead, it is the former carwash employees like Rashid Awnur Hersi working from his dusty, paint-smelling basement as the imaginary “president” of “Awdal state” with his “cabinet ministers”, a handful of his cliques scattered all over the world, that get the red carpet treatment.
Generally speaking, the people of Awdal region in Somaliland have no quarrels with Somaliland’s existence as a nation and always uphold the rule of law. They remain patient, willing to nurture Somaliland at any cost. After all, Awdal is the mother of Somaliland. It is the place that gives birth to Somaliland after the end of Gen. Siad Barre campaign of terror against Somaliland in late 80s. However, what Awdal people detest is the lack of power and resource sharing. They keep receiving the shorter end of the stick. And despite their honorable tolerance and wisdom, the Somaliland government rather than tackle the locals’ grievances, it entertains a fantasy “Awdal state” government, operating in a basement, in Ottawa, Canada.
On the other hand, those who remain adamant dealing with the likes of Mr. Hersi argue that bringing him into the fold will dissuade others from following his footsteps. Is that so? And what footsteps, for crying out loud! Please excuse my shameful ignorance and enlighten me, will you? In fact, it has the opposite effect. They also assert because he abjures his opposition to Somaliland that will demoralize those who reject Somaliland’s quest for independence. Why on earth would you want to demoralize your citizens, in the first place? Addressing their grievances and putting yourself in their shoes to understand their point of view should be the key, and not defeating or humiliating them.
Rather than amuse the perceived “Awdal state”, it would be more sensible if Somaliland reaches out to the Khatumo’s warring warlords, Ahmed Elmi Osman (Karaash), a former Somaliland official who letter defects to Puntland, subsequently, serving as its aviation minister, before he turns his back on Puntland too and Mohamed Yusuf Jama (Indhosheel), a naïve Diaspora with a European passport (probably Dutch) to end violence in the Taleh district, in eastern Sool, Somaliland. In November 28, 2013, the two warlords wage a savage war against each other in the streets of Taleh for its control, killing up to ten civilians and driving its residents, over 26000 of them, in droves. Of course Puntland sides with Mr. Osman, forcing Indhosheel to have more faith in his feet than in his gun. Nonetheless, each warlord accuses the other for triggering the violence while claiming the legitimate “presidency” of the violent Khatumo militants. In this audio clip, Mr. Jama clearly states, “I am embroiled into a deadly conflict with Mr. Osman”. And in this video clip, Mr. Osman labels Mr. Jama as a warmonger from the Diaspora, taking orders from an opportunistic politician named Dr. Ali Khalif Galaydh (the founder of the Khatumo militias, as well as a former Somaliland official and a former Somali Prime Minister and now serving as an MP in the Somali government. Among Sool politicians, flip-flopping is not treason; it is a tradition.)
Meanwhile, the displaced civilians languish in the middle of nowhere, as aid agencies remain reluctant to assist them due to “insecurity”. And Somaliland despite claiming Taleh as part of its territory has yet to provide humanitarian aid to the conflict-affected people. In other words, the land is part of Somaliland; but the people are not, for they reject Somaliland’s quest for independence! Shame on you Somaliland!
In short, I for one support addressing the grievances of Somaliland citizens and the redistribution of power and resources which is dominated by one clan, namely Reer-Lama-Taabtaan (a.k.a Isaq…my “beloved” clan or the new Marehan of Somaliland…Marehan is Gen. Siad Barre’s clan, which dominated Somalia in all aspects); but negotiating with every hopeless character living in the Diaspora is not just a waste of resource but also opens Pandora’s box. Rest assured, other Diaspora warmongers and cyber warlords will follow in suit, pounding their chests for attention, screaming, “Anna waa ikan…or here I am too…deal with me!” And as such, I will settle for nothing less than the first president of Lagu-Maqal-Se-laguma-Arag state. It is here to stay!

Dalmar Kahin
dalmar_k@yahoo.com